I'm Alive! (but how did I get here?)

So I'm not sure why I didn't post on this last night, but I had a near-death experience during dinner yesterday. I was eating alone (my mom and sister were at our shore house and my dad was going to be home from work late) when I started choking. I don't mean the annoying, went down the wrong pipe and I'm coughing kind of thing. I mean the not getting any air at all, actually choking kind of thing. I flew out of my chair which sent it flying and went to go for the phone to call 911 as I was looking for the best way to do the Heimlich maneuver on myself. Somehow, the sudden movement caused me to get just enough air to cough again. (Double PSA: In many areas of the US, 911 uses computer aided dispatching (CAD) which shows your address on a computer screen when you call without you having to say a word. You'll get at least a police officer at your house. Also, if you're ever choking and alone, aside from calling 911, you can do the Heimlich maneuver on yourself by throwing yourself over the back of a chair or something similar. I'm a CPR Instructor and always teach this in my classes.)

So, I'm alive, and on to the second question. How in the heck did I end up here anyway? As I mentioned last night in my post, I'm waging an internal war of the religious variety. I've decided just for fun, to use this post as an intro to where I stand from three perspectives. First, it will be helpful to know that I used to be a crazy Roman Catholic (yes, the phrase is redundant). Six months ago, after a stint as VP of the Catholic Community at my college and 8 months after coming out, I stopped attending mass. Now, I'm not sure where I stand. So, in an effort to explain the complications, I'll give three fun little examples of the confused ways I think about it.

The Scientific- I am a science kind of guy and think about things in terms of evidence and how to test an idea. On this front, I'm stumped. The evidence isn't there, but there's also no way to test it.

Probability- God Does Not Exist and I don't believe= it doesn't matter/
God Does Not Exist and I do believe= a potential waste of effort but doesn't matter/God Exists and I don't believe= possibly screwed/God exists and I do believe= I'm all set

Disclaimer: Belief can't really be based on this kind of assessment, but it's fun anyway.

Faith/Belief- While I find the idea of God hard to grasp and I find it unlikely from a scientific perspective that God exists, I have moments of awe that really make me think something must have had a hand in all of this. I guess this makes me an agnostic.

Two complicating factors: I really like the tradition and ceremony of Christian faiths. I have toyed with the idea of attending services at a very gay friendly local Episcopal church. One of the things that made me leave the Catholic Church and got me thinking about all of this was the way being gay was at serious odds with the church I was voluntarily a member of. One of my big problems for months now has been that any God I have a concept of, wouldn't be looking down at me and my boyfriend plotting our future damnation. In fact, I'd like to think God would be up there going, "I'm glad that one worked out."

Ok, my apologies for the long post. I'll add more of my thoughts on this in small chunks and certainly, as always, welcome comments.